


i kinda like it (when i make you cry)

by jaemarked



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Canon Compliant, Fainting, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:33:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24550873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemarked/pseuds/jaemarked
Summary: Five times Johnny unintentionally makes Yuta cry, and the one time he does it on purpose.
Relationships: Nakamoto Yuta/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 7
Kudos: 171





	i kinda like it (when i make you cry)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bunnieju](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnieju/gifts).



> this is so bad i'm sorry bunnie
> 
> ily tho

**2017**

“I can’t believe how far we’ve come.” 

Yuta turned to Johnny, staring inquisitively at the side of his face. Johnny turned away, and Yuta caught the tears in his eyes before he blinked them away.

“You’re going to make _me_ cry,” Yuta said softly, reaching out to hug Johnny close. 

“I’m finally debuting,” Johnny said, almost in disbelief. The empty bottle of soju dangled in his fingertips. Yuta took the glass away before he dropped it, not wanting the last drops of alcohol to stain the carpet. 

“You deserve it,” Yuta whispered fiercely. “More than anyone else, you deserve it.”

“That’s not true,” Johnny replied, head lolling back against the couch. Even drunk, he never let anyone put themselves down. “You’ve worked just as hard as I have.”

“But I didn’t have to wait as long as you have,” Yuta said, tears springing to his eyes without his permission. He always felt guilty that he debuted before Johnny.

Johnny who had trained for almost ten years, who was good enough to debut in EXO, but lost the opportunity. Or had it stripped away from him by SMJohnny who, despite his experience, wasn’t announced as the leader of 127. Johnny who didn’t get to officially debut until 2017. Johnny who was always there to support them even when he was left behind. Who waited in the shadows while the others got to shine.

“That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it,” Johnny said, and he was so genuine about it that it made Yuta cry harder.

Maybe drinking this much wasn’t a good idea.

“I’ll do my best to become a member you can be proud of,” Yuta said thickly, letting Johnny pull him into a tight hug.

“Oh, Yuta. I’ve been proud of you since the day you introduced yourself to me in Korean for the first time.”

**2018**

“I’m in love with you.”

Yuta froze, tightening the grip he had on Johnny’s collar. They were arguing, Yuta wondering why Johnny had been avoiding him for the past month, Johnny averting his eyes and refusing to answer.

“That’s why I’ve been avoiding you,” Johnny said behind gritted teeth. “Because every single day, I look at you, and I’m reminded that I’m in love with you, and I can’t _have_ you.”

“This better not be a joke,” Yuta blurted out before he could stop himself. Johnny deflated in his grasp, but there was still fire behind his eyes.

“Why would I joke about that?” Johnny spat. “Just hurry up and reject me so I can get over—mmph!”

Yuta hauled Johnny down into a kiss, sealing their lips together and muffling whatever stupid bullshit Johnny was about to spout. He clung to Johnny tightly with both hands, whimpering when he felt strong arms wrap around his waist. 

The kiss was hot, and _messy,_ slick with their spit as Yuta licked across the seam of Johnny’s mouth, running his tongue across Johnny’s teeth. One hand fisted in the taller boy’s hair, and the other still clutching his collar like a lifeline.

“I love you,” Yuta sobbed, feeling both safe and vulnerable in Johnny’s embrace. “You have _no_ idea how long I’ve been waiting to say that.”

“I think I do,” Johnny said breathlessly once they parted for air. He cupped Yuta’s cheek, and Yuta leaned into his touch, felt him wipe away his tears with his thumb. The tenderness of it all made Yuta cry again, unable to look Johnny in the eyes and see the warmth, the _love,_ that Johnny held for him. He had wanted desperately to see his feelings for Johnny reflected back at him, to have his love reciprocated. Now that he finally held Johnny in his arms, he planned to never let go.

“Don’t ever leave me,” Yuta said, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. His skin came away damp, and he realized he couldn’t control his tears. He probably looked like a mess, puffy red eyes and snot dripping down his nose, but Johnny didn’t seem to care, as he looked at Yuta with such gentle fondness that it made Yuta want to curl up and hide.

Johnny was looking at Yuta the way he always did. It had just taken a confession for Yuta to realize what it meant.

**2019**

Yuta was _scared._

He hadn’t even seen Johnny fall. He was on the other side of the stage when Johnny had slipped from the jungle gym and slammed into the stage with a sickening _thud._

When he turned around and saw Johnny lying there, unconscious, he had screamed so loudly it made the other members jump. The music cut out, and everyone rushed towards Johnny at once.

Yuta’s heart pounded in his chest when the manager called for an ambulance. All he could see was the dark blood spreading beneath Johnny’s head, staining his light brown hair. He couldn’t feel Jaehyun’s arms around him, holding him back from going to Johnny. He didn’t even know he was screaming and shaking until the paramedics came and took Johnny away on a stretcher.

“I need to go with him,” Yuta begged, struggling to break free from Jaehyun’s grip. Johnny was hurt. Johnny was _hurt,_ and Yuta needed to be there, needed to make sure he was _okay._ “Please, I have to go with him.”

“You have to _perform_ ,” the manager said harshly. “You have a duty to your fans and fellow members.”

_Fuck the fans,_ Yuta wanted to say. _Fuck the members_. But he knew he didn’t mean it, he was just upset, and hurt. He didn’t want to lash out at those who didn’t deserve it.

“I’m sorry,” Taeyong cried, appearing at his side. “I should’ve done something, I could have prevented this.”

Yuta shook his head and threw himself at the smaller boy, pushing his face into Taeyong’s neck to hide his tears. He trembled in Taeyong’s arms, and for once, wished that he wasn’t an idol. He wished that he and Johnny were normal people, because this would have never happened. But if he was a normal person, he’d have never met Johnny in the first place.

“Sorry,” Yuta sniffled once he had finally calmed down. Taeyong tightened his hold for a few seconds before letting go, stepping back with a sheepish smile. 

“We’ll see him as soon as we’re done here,” Taeyong promised, “I’ll make sure of it.”

“I trust you,” Yuta said honestly. 

“You both look like shit,” Doyoung said as he walked by. “You should definitely get the stylist-noonas to fix your makeup, or else you’re gonna scare away all our fans.”

Strangely enough, Yuta felt a sense of relief wash over him. If Doyoung was able to crack jokes, he wasn’t too worried about Johnny’s well-being. Johnny would be okay.

He had to be.

**2019**

Yuta couldn’t stop crying when Johnny woke up, bandages around his head and his wrist in a cast. 

“You idiot,” Yuta scolded, “be more careful.”

“I’m sorry for worrying you,” Johnny said, patting Yuta’s arm with his non-injured one. Yuta just cried louder, lightly punching Johnny in the shoulder.

“Dude, we brought snacks!” Mark crashed into the room, Donghyuck following right behind him with a plastic bag full of food they technically weren’t supposed to eat. 

“I won’t tell if you won’t,” Johnny said immediately, grinning mischievously. Yuta put a finger to his lips and helped Donghyuck climb into the bed next to Johnny, careful not to jostle any of his injuries.

“Hyung is okay?” Donghyuck asked, eyes wide with concern. Donghyuck, while sometimes the devil incarnate, was so very sweet it made Yuta melt. He was personally closer to Mark, but Donghyuck held a special place in his heart, and he was important to Johnny as well.

“I’m alright, maknae,” Johnny replied, ruffling Donghyuck’s hair with his good hand. “I missed your performance though, how did you do?”

“It was weird,” Mark stated bluntly. “I didn’t like that you weren’t there. It felt like something was missing.”

And they were kind of used to it, because Donghyuck was absent from promotions for a while, and so was Jungwoo, but it didn’t mean they missed Johnny any less. They were a puzzle, and without one of the pieces, they couldn’t complete the picture.

“I’ll be back soon,” Johnny promised as the kids rifled through the bag’s contents for goodies, dumping everything on the blanket covering Johnny’s legs. Yuta spotted chocolate-covered coffee beans and snatched them up, planning to hand feed them to Johnny. 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Donghyuck said, not looking up from his game of rock-paper-scissors with Mark for the strawberry flavoured Pocky. “You need rest. Come back to us fully healed or don’t come back at all.”

“Yah, you’re one to talk, Haechan-ah,” Johnny complained loudly, but he didn’t duck his head fast enough to hide his fond smile as he 

_Johnny would make a great father,_ Yuta thought, then nearly choked on his spit as he inhaled sharply.

_Where the hell did that come from?_

**2020**

_“To the world, yeogin NCT. Annyeonghaseyo, NCT ilichil imnida!”_

“Thank you, and goodnight!”

They gave one last bow together, hands clasped tightly, before they broke apart to wave at the fans, at the neon green ocean glowing before them. 

Yuta jumped up and down, waving with both hands as they turned to go backstage. Some of the members had already gone, but Yuta didn’t want to leave.

The noise, the energy, the fans. The euphoria thrumming in his veins, threatening to burst. He wanted to stay like this forever. 

Finally, he walked off stage to thunderous applause, the crowd’s cheers still ringing in his ears as the stage crew congratulated them on a job well done.

“I can’t believe we just did that!” Yuta yelled. They had just played _Citi Field._ Their show had sold out, and there were 40,000 NCTzens in the crowd, just to see them perform. It was exhilarating, and they still had several more stadium shows for the tour.

Someone handed him a towel, and he dried his face off gratefully. He was drenched in sweat, so much that he thought he could wring out his shirt. But as soon as he stepped on that stage, he knew he had to give it his all.

“I kinda wish we could give another encore,” Mark said thoughtfully. Yuta agreed, even though they had done _four_ encores. The fans were still going wild, and Yuta felt like he was flying.

He didn’t notice he had fallen until he was on his back on the ground, blinking up at the ceiling. The concerned faces of his members peered back at him.

“Yuta? Yuta, can you hear us?” Taeyong’s voice, cutting through the thick fog in his mind. How did he get here? What happened?

“Ugh,” Yuta said after another moment of trying to figure out how his tongue worked. His mouth felt like it was full of cotton. “Wha…?”

“You fainted.” Doyoung’s lips were pressed together in a thin line. Hands grabbed at Yuta’s shoulders, helping him sit up. His vision blurred for a moment. “Mark caught you before you could fall.”

“Thank you,” Yuta said honestly, looking up at Mark. Jaehyun, Jungwoo, Doyoung, Taeyong, Donghyuck, Taeil, and Sicheng were also standing around him, wearing matching expressions of concern. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Taeyong said immediately, getting down on his knees to hold a water bottle with a straw to Yuta’s lips. Yuta smiled at him thankfully, sipping at the water until his head cleared.

“How are you feeling?” One of the managers asked.

Yuta shrugged. “Tired. Hungry. A little dizzy.”

He didn’t really feel any different than usual — concerts always took a lot out of him. 

“Hmm.” The manager looked over Yuta, and made his decision. “Get changed, we’ll send you to the hotel early. You need food and some rest. Make sure he stays hydrated, and call if you think anything is wrong.”

“Will do,” Taeyong promised, then gentle hands wrapped around Yuta’s biceps, helping him to his feet. Yuta swayed a little, but managed to stay upright, following Taeyong into their cramped dressing room. 

“It must have been the adrenaline,” Doyoung was saying, fluttering around Yuta as he stripped his jacket, handing Yuta a dry long sleeve shirt. “You were on a high and you crashed.”

Yuta nodded, allowing Taeyong and Doyoung to fuss over him. His limbs felt like jelly, but otherwise he was fine. But he felt like something was missing.

“Where’s Johnny?” He asked, interrupting the argument of where they were going to order food from. 

Doyoung pulled a face. “I don’t know. Maybe backstage still.”

Sharp pain burst behind Yuta’s eyes in a white hot flash. Tears streamed down his cheeks without his permission, pain he hadn’t noticed before hammering in his skull. He wanted Johnny. Where was Johnny?

“Can you go get him?”

Taeyong and Doyoung exchanged glances, and Taeyong pushed him down onto the worn couch, guiding him to lie down. “Just rest for now, Yuta.”

Yuta obeyed, laying back and propping his head up on the arm of the sofa. It was going to kill his neck, but it probably wouldn’t be long until staff came to fetch him and put him in a van to take him to the hotel they were staying at.

“I want Johnny to come with me,” Yuta insisted, getting worked up. “Where is he? Can you go get him? My head hurts.”

“Okay,” Taeyong said soothingly, gently running his hand through Yuta’s sweat soaked hair before straightening up. He looked at Doyoung again, but Yuta couldn’t quite make out his expression. “Okay, I’ll go get Johnny.”

He left.

Ten minutes later, a manager came to take him to the hotel.

Johnny still hadn’t come. 

(“I needed you,” Yuta whispered later, in the dark of his hotel room. He was rooming with Johnny, he always roomed with Johnny, but Johnny hadn’t come in until late at night. Yuta was awake, of course, despite the aching pain in his head. He didn’t take the painkillers his manager had given him. He wanted to stay awake.

“I’m sorry,” Johnny whispered back, and he climbed into Yuta’s bed like he was a child that needed a teddy bear. He clung to Yuta, arms around his waist and face buried in the crook of his neck. Tears of relief sprung to Yuta’s eyes, but he blinked them away and held Johnny tighter. “I was so scared. When I saw you lying there. Please take better care of yourself.”

 _It wasn’t on purpose,_ Yuta wanted to argue, but Johnny sniffled, and he decided to stay quiet. Johnny’s comfort was more important than being right.

“I love you,” Johnny said before they fell asleep, and when they woke up in the morning. During their flight to the next country. Right before soundcheck. At the end of their final concert, after the lights faded out and their adrenaline drained away.

“I love you too,” Yuta responded every time.)

**2024**

Leaving NCT wasn’t as hard as Yuta thought it would be.

It definitely wasn’t easy, saying goodbye to his members. Taeil, Taeyong, and Doyoung had already left. Then it was Johnny and Yuta’s turn. They ended up moving to Johnny’s hometown, buying a small, modest home just for the two of them. 

It wasn’t easy adjusting to a normal life. No more eight hour schedules. No more concert tours. No more practicing until they dropped. But it wasn’t unwelcomed. Yuta was happy to wake up to Johnny every morning, and fall asleep next to him every night. He was happy to be able to hold Johnny’s hand in public. He was just happy to be with Johnny.

“Let’s go on a vacation,” Johnny said one day, and they booked their tickets that night. It was a relief to be able to do whatever they wanted, to go anywhere they wanted, without having to worry about looming schedules or paparazzi following them. Somehow, nobody really cared what the former NCT members were up to.

“It’s so nice here,” Yuta sighed, leaning against the railing of the balcony to their hotel room. They had a perfect view of the beach, glimmering white sand and deep ocean blue expanding as far as he could see. “I want to spend the rest of my days like this.”

“At the beach?” Johnny sounded amused. Yuta tilted his head to look at him. Though they were both almost thirty now, Johnny looked the same as he did when they were twenty five, except for the crow’s feet forming at his eyes and the stubble on his chin that he didn’t have to shave for the cameras anymore. His skin had darkened from the days they had spent lying in the sun, sunkissed and golden. His hair was black now, no longer lightened by their stylists. He was still beautiful, and Yuta was still just as in love with him now as he was when they were twenty.

“No,” Yuta replied, rolling his eyes. “With you, obviously.”

“That’s funny,” Johnny said, “I was thinking the exact same thing.”

He laughed. Reached into his pocket. Got down on one knee.

“Yes,” Yuta told him as soon as he pulled out the ring, not even giving Johnny a chance to speak. He was crying, already, but he couldn’t find it in him to feel embarrassed. He flung his arms around Johnny’s neck, nearly knocking the ring out of his hand. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

“At least let me ask you first,” Johnny said with a laugh, but he held Yuta close anyway, crouched on the balcony of a hotel in Thailand. 

Yuta thought about all the hardships of being a trainee, and then how it got worse when he was an idol. About how he and Johnny had to fight for screen time, and lines, and solo opportunities. Of the breakdowns and the anxiety attacks. Of the fights and the gruelling practices and homesickness and the times he thought he wanted to give it all up. To call it quits.

And then he thought about how through it all, he had Johnny, and he swore that he would do it all again if he had to.

(“He cried like a baby when I proposed! I couldn’t even get the words out because he was bawling.”

“Shut _up,_ Johnny! You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.”)

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/jaemarkism)  
>  [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/jaemarked)


End file.
